2020.
This year is something else. Before anything else, I am back here. What brought me here? I don't actually know. Maybe the death of my cousin? Or the end of an era at my workplace? Or just in general this year, because it's been quite harsh on a few people. Of course not everyone. Some found their passion, some were able to start anew and some continued doing them.
Since last year, the year I lost my mother, I stopped taking life so serious. 2019 taught me that nothing lasts forever, that plans are only plans, they don't need to push through - no matter how well prepared you are (so that's what you thought) This year the losses didn't stop. I still wonder why my cousin had to leave earth so soon, so unpredictable. He had a bright future. Sad that his life ended after 22 years. Looking at our pictures, and our shared moments, it saddens me. Even though we were not as close as I am with my other cousin, we still had a special bond. I enjoyed his company.
Losses are painful and makes you speechless. I chose to quit my job of 11 years because it didn't align anymore with my values and morals, and I'd be very unhappy every time I go to work. Even though I did like what I was doing, but not what we were told to do.
But whatever happens, yes I do. I do still believe that everything will fall into place. Everything does happen for a reason. The reason will unfold, but not at a time that you think. One day, when everything falls into place, when finally everything makes sense, you will look back, smiling and saying to yourself 'oh that was the reason' Sometimes - that is what I think - you have to loose in order to be found (maybe again). As our priest once said, you can't enjoy easter, without going through Good Friday and wonder on Black Saturday what you should do next. If it were up to me, I'd rather live a life without Good Fridays... but then again, would you be able to enjoy Easter Sunday, if you didn't experience Good Friday? Enjoy - probably yes, but you won't be able to appreciate the day. It should not be a regular day. It supposed to be a happy day.
So for me for now - my future is pretty much uncertain. No clue what will happen - all I know is that I have someone watching over me, guiding me and teaching me patience, perseverance and discipline. I might need to re-learn the meaning of these three. I'll continue praying and trusting in the Lord - because He knows best anyway. Part of the process. Whoever reads this - maybe you can say a prayer for me too? :-) I'll keep you in my prayers aswell.
2020 shenanigans over and out.
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